Manodorant

I buy manodorant.  It's cheaper and it works better.  I ran out of my Old Spice and went to buy another bar of it.  Found out, they came out with FOUR new scents.  It was love at first sniff with Denali.  I had to buy it.

Apparently, my pits now smell like "wilderness, open air, and FREEDOM."

When I walk into a room, people now ask, "What's that I smell?  Why, it's the unmistakable scent of FREEDOM!"

A Bus Adventure

Since my car is possessed by a demon and in the shop, I've had to take the city bus to commute to work.  I'm no stranger to public transportation, and quite enjoy the interesting things that can be observed on the bus!  It's really quite exciting, once you embrace it.

At first, I thought riding the bus here wasn't going to be nearly as entertaining as riding the bus in Florida.  However, it wasn't long before Ohio lived up to the usual splendor of the days of yore.

It was my second evening on the way home.  Everthing looked calm and normal.

I wasn't quite sure where my stop was and like the ding-dong that I am, I pulled the cord a stop too soon.  In front of everyone, I had to shout out my mistake to the driver, so he would know to go further one more stop.  This caught the attention of the guy in front of me.  He started to turn, to find out what idiot doesn't know how to get off the bus.

That's when I saw it.   

It.

The big IT right in the middle of his forehead.


His evil eyes, glaring at me, making me squirm in my boots were enough to chill my blood (and my hands, because I forgot my gloves), but I could not stop staring at what I was pretty sure was a BULLET wound in the middle of his forehead.  I stared at it for a good half a minute, transfixed by its powers of hypnosis. 

I didn't want to mess with bullet hole guy.  Between the blood, stitches, and what I was pretty sure was an indentation of sorts, I was pretty sure he was plotting my death.  I ran off that bus so fast. . . okay, I actually tripped while standing.  I wanted to run. I wanted to leave the creepy horror-film moment that I was experiencing.  I didn't want to give him another moment to contemplate my demise.  It wasn't a moment too soon that I was tripping my way back out into the cold, free from the bullet hole guy.

Why Does Tom Selleck Look Like Stalin?

Why does Tom Selleck look like Stalin?  Someone please explain.

My Ninja Cat

My cat, Milo, probably thinks he is the biggest, baddest cat around.  He would say he's one part ninja, one part Chuck Norris, and eleventy billion parts awesome.  I, however, disagree with this assessment.

He is a thieving bitch cat.

One nondescript and rare evening, I felt like cooking dinner.

It was great.  I was being healthy, and cooking chicken and some vegetables.  Yay me!  Milo was a little confused: "Cindy? Cooking?  What's up with that? OOoooh, she's making my favorite, chicken."  Meanwhile, it was a Wednesday night and OOOH! Survivor was back on!  Hellloooooo Jeff Probst!! 

Little did I know, Milo took this opportunity of inattention to practice his ninja kitty moves.  Clearly, I was leaving his dinner on the stove for him to hunt like the great ninja/Chuck Norris/hunter that he is, while watching my dessert (Jeff Probst) on TV.

*Snatch*
*Jump*

Milo had successfully hunted his dinner from the stove!  Ninja Milo ran into the living room and proceeded to eat my dinner on the floor next to me.  For a moment, his secret was safe, and Milo was a happy ninja  cat.

Then, I heard a sound, and it wasn't the pitter-patter of my heart as Jeff Probst's angelic visage graced the screen.

Ninja cat? More like bitch cat!  RAWR MILO! YOU EVIL HEINOUS, THIEVING BITCH CAT.

I'm sure Milo had some thoughts of his own, since I was less-than-praiseworthy of his ninja skills.

After I calmed down and chased the evil bitch cat out of the room, I ended up relegating myself to my usual dinner of PB&J, which remained safe from the ninja cat.

The "Off" Button

Today, one of my toddlers started throwing a fit because I wouldn't let her rip a book out of another kid's hands.  "That's not nice.  We don't take toys from friends."  As her fit blossomed into a glorious crescendo of irritating noise, I sighed.  I had two choices: feel angry and annoyed, or opt for anger's ugly cousin, sarcasm.  I went with the cousin.  "Do you come with an off button? Because, that'd be really nice right about now!"  She nodded.  I was intrigued.  "Well, do you have any idea where your off button is?"  She looked around: to the left, then to the right, and then downwards, noting the buttons on her shirt.  She pointed at her buttons.  "Oh.  That's where your off button is?  Well, can you press it?"  She pressed one of her buttons.  The fit ceased.  I laughed.  Thank you, my dear little one.  Thank you for using your "off" button.

Heat Advisory

They've been issuing heat advisories here left and right. I called my Dad and vented to him for 10 minutes about how they are pointless and cater to stupidity. "Hey, in case you didn't notice, it's hot outside." NO??? REALLY?? I couldn't tell!  In addition to the advisory, they issue common sense advice for all teh stoopids that don't know better: avoid the sun if possible, stay hydrated, don't leave pets in cars, and (my favorite because it cracks me up every time) check on the elderly.  That one cracks me up because I imagine people everywhere embarking upon impromptu ninja missions to go find old people.

The heat advisory in itself is irritating, but the ramifications for my job are beyond irritating. I can't take the kids outside with a heat advisory. It's hotter in South Florida than it is here and their UV index is off the charts. No advisories there. It's crap.  It's pointless.  It just promotes and caters to those people too dumb to exercise a little bit of common sense. 

The Sun: 1
America's Future: 0

Note To Self

Dear Self,

Stop bringing trashy romance novels/erotica to read during nap time at work.  Bad idea.  That was one uncomfortable afternoon.